At the beginning of this year, I went under the needle for my first tattoo. Four years I had waited, making sure I chose wisely before embarking on this piece of permanent jewellery. I chose a triskele. For me it represents the three stages of womanhood, maiden, mother and crone so, it was appropriate to begin my journey in Wales as the sum of all of me and my lifetime of experience.
I didn’t enjoy the ‘maiden’ bit, to be honest. My childhood and early teens left me naive and vulnerable, insecure and bereft of confidence. My children became my passion and I was happy to lose myself in their lives, supporting them through their childhood while my personal relationships crashed and burned. Though I had always written, heartfelt poems for my eyes only and accounts of where I’d been, what I’d seen and how I felt about it, it wasn’t until I was forty and I attended a two day writing course about characterizarion, that I knew it was part of me, who I am. Around this time, I discovered dance and the two combined filled an enormous empty hole in my life.
For forty years I was living on this planet for other people. Whenever I gathered my strength, put myself forward and asked to be acknowledged, I was squashed, physically beaten and verbally abused. I tried to fit in, be the daughter, sister, friend, wife I was expected to be but wearing a mask every day while I sunk lower into depression left me exhausted and miserable.
Regrets are unnecessary baggage, while lessons learned make us the person we are today. Pocketful of Smiles is a good indication of how far I’ve journeyed and how much I’ve learned about myself, my world and how I choose to interract with the people around me. Having the benefit of experience makes me the person I am today, promoting my passions, dance and writing and living my life with respect for the earth and all that life upon it.
This person, the real me, attracts people to her that enhance her life, providing opportunities and ideas for the future. For example, the lovely Cwrtneydd Scribblers have welcomed me and we’re planning our table for the Christmas Fayre at Lampeter University and I’ve been invited by one of the Transition Lampeter organisers to have a table at a ‘Make It’ day, a day of creativity in the Victoria Hall, to sign and sell my books and talk about my writing. He suggested I might like to consider running workshops to help new writers.
And my first reaction to the writing group and ‘Make It’ day invites? I can’t do it. I’m not good enough. I don’t have enough experience. My second reaction recognises these are past doubts, worries and fears and sets the third thought into motion insisting, why not have a go? What’s the worst that can happen? If I go, I’ll meet new people and, if they don’t want to buy my books, they might like to join a dance class but if I don’t try and I don’t face my fears, I will never know and be the old me, living in fear again.
In March, I had my second tattoo, an eight pointed star, the symbol of Ishtar, goddess of love, war, fertility and sexuality. To me she represents womanhood and I’m proud to wear this symbol as myself, the earthly manifestation of the goddess and as part of the sisterhood of Tribal Unity.
Don’t let your past life be a burden but an inspiration for what you can achieve today. Surround yourself with people who inspire, love and respect you and live every moment with joy and excitement. Open your eyes to the beauty of the world, to positive people who want to make a difference and to the happiness that can be found in the simplest of tasks. Be a human ‘being’ and be your true self every day of your life.