It’s been hard to hold onto my dreams and believe in their fruition when the demands of opposing forces strip me of my time and energy.
I needed time to rebalance, time to find a way to shave off the peaks and troughs and find my peace again.
We’d put off visiting Wales. Viewing properties while ours was unsold seemed a recipe for disappointment in my view so, our holiday was booked as a touring one. Pitched at our little Llangurig campsite, we drove out each day, exploring new areas and revisiting old ones.
Familiar towns welcomed us home and sunshine smiled on our days. Mountain roads shone beneath our wheels, leading us through valleys and then up to breathtaking views of silent magnificence. The stillness opened my heart like a can opener and my tears fell for my love of the mountains.
Unfamiliar roads and towns presented new experiences and, though beautiful, my heart didn’t sing in their company and, as the week passed, I knew where I wanted to live and, even more strongly, where I didn’t.
My real reasons for moving bubbled to the surface and mixed with my dreams became a cauldron of hope for the future but all the while, fear and doubt added bitterness to the soup and I wept tears of confusion.
Our final day dawned bright but blustery and as we made our way over the mountain pass, the power of the elements amassed around us. Through Machynlleth, past the Centre for Alternative Technology, passed Corris and up we drove. With every sweeping bend in the road I felt the call. On we drove through Dolgellau on the road to Cader Idris.
The waves slapped against the rocks as we began our circuit of the lake. The wind slammed into my face, forcing out my breath and making safe footing an effort. Past the standing stone, tears streaming from my eyes I walked on knowing my destination was near, an inlet of peace and warmth away from the wind.
Once there, all worry fell from my shoulders, all stress left my body and I sat beneath the mountains beside the lake and knew this was my place, my home. In this place I was whole and clarity descended, opening up a picture of my future before me with no fear. I understood what held me back and made me sad and in those moments, as the elements came together, I knew that Wales was home and that however long it took, this was where my life would be when the time was right.
Small white clouds began to gather and obliterate the sun and I knew I had to leave my cove of peace to return to the world again. The wind buffeted my body and my tears fell to the earth as I stumbled along the sheep track to the standing stone. With my gift in my hand I walked out to the stone as the clouds continued to gather overhead and the waves on the lake fractured its surface with ever increasing peaks. Thrice clockwise I walked and with every step I renewed my trust in the universe, in nature and in the elements of which I am part and, as I laid my gift upon the earth the wind dropped, silence filled my ears and the sun glimpsed out one final time.
Now I’m back in England. Bills greet me from my doormat, my laundry basket resembles Vesuvius and there are only three cat bowls to fill. I cry tears of hurt and frustration but in my heart I hold my dream and no one and nothing can stop me now. Each problem can be dealt with, each frustration overcome and when the time is right, I’m coming home.