Coming home

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Highs and lows have been the norm this year for me.

It’s been hard to hold onto my dreams and believe in their fruition when the demands of opposing forces strip me of my time and energy.

I needed time to rebalance, time to find a way to shave off the peaks and troughs and find my peace again.

We’d put off visiting Wales. Viewing properties while ours was unsold seemed a recipe for disappointment in my view so, our holiday was booked as a touring one. Pitched at our little Llangurig campsite, we drove out each day, exploring new areas and revisiting old ones.

Familiar towns welcomed us home and sunshine smiled on our days. Mountain roads shone beneath our wheels, leading us through valleys and then up to breathtaking views of silent magnificence. The stillness opened my heart like a can opener and my tears fell for my love of the mountains.

Unfamiliar roads and towns presented new experiences and, though beautiful, my heart didn’t sing in their company and, as the week passed, I knew where I wanted to live and, even more strongly, where I didn’t.

My real reasons for moving bubbled to the surface and mixed with my dreams became a cauldron of hope for the future but all the while, fear and doubt added bitterness to the soup and I wept tears of confusion.

 

 

 

Our final day dawned bright but blustery and as we made our way over the mountain pass, the power of the elements amassed around us. Through Machynlleth, past the Centre for Alternative Technology, passed Corris and up we drove. With every sweeping bend in the road I felt the call. On we drove through Dolgellau on the road to Cader Idris.

The waves slapped against the rocks as we began our circuit of the lake. The wind slammed into my face, forcing out my breath and making safe footing an effort. Past the standing stone, tears streaming from my eyes I walked on knowing my destination was near, an inlet of peace and warmth away from the wind.

Once there, all worry fell from my shoulders, all stress left my body and I sat beneath the mountains beside the lake and knew this was my place, my home. In this place I was whole and clarity descended, opening up a picture of my future before me with no fear. I understood what held me back and made me sad and in those moments, as the elements came together, I knew that Wales was home and that however long it took, this was where my life would be when the time was right.

Small white clouds began to gather and obliterate the sun and I knew I had to leave my cove of peace to return to the world again. The wind buffeted my body and my tears fell to the earth as I stumbled along the sheep track to the standing stone. With my gift in my hand I walked out to the stone as the clouds continued to gather overhead and the waves on the lake fractured its surface with ever increasing peaks. Thrice clockwise I walked and with every step I renewed my trust in the universe, in nature and in the elements of which I am part and, as I laid my gift upon the earth the wind dropped, silence filled my ears and the sun glimpsed out one final time.

Now I’m back in England. Bills greet me from my doormat, my laundry basket resembles Vesuvius and there are only three cat bowls to fill. I cry tears of hurt and frustration but in my heart I hold my dream and no one and nothing can stop me now. Each problem can be dealt with, each frustration overcome and when the time is right, I’m coming home.

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10 responses »

  1. This really is beautiful, it made me weep a little I suppose because I see what you mean.
    My dream is to live by the river at Stratford-Upon-Avon, it’s where I can mellow out and when I get there like you I know I have achieved what I wanted to.
    These arent dreams Wendy, but posibilities and when we are both there we can look back and smile, because we did it ourselves! XX

  2. Oh my gosh … your words bring tears to my eyes. I went away for a few days rest with my kids and my husband in late June this year. It was our first family holiday and it was the most perfect few days I had experienced for a while.
    I know the place we ‘holidayed’ had much to do with. The mountains towered above us and acted as a buffer to the outside world and shielded us. I felt peaceful and happy,filled with warmth. It was a beautiful feeling.
    Your dream will be a reality one very special day. n x

    • Among the spendour and solidity of nature, so many things become clear and I’m glad your time away helped you too, Ngaire x

  3. Oh wow, Wendy! I was reading through the blur of my tears. This hit so close to home to that little big dream I’m holding fast and tight in my grip. We are in transition, more like limbo on my end and my daughter is ready to go wherever I land, we just don’t know where yet and my mantra is I will know it when I see it for the words will say ‘I’m coming home.’ Heavens, after reading your post and the wonderful comments, I’m so not alone in this attainable dream! So glad you found your place and know, believe that it will come true, no matter how many steps you have to climb. Once there one day you can sit back and remember the journey it took to get there. I have always believed if we can still dream it,then it is meant to be ours for the taking. Tears roll down my cheeks now just thinking about the power of dreams and our will to manifest them into reality. It will happen and I thank you for sharing this beautiful part of yourself with us. Nature does have a way of doing wonders for a bit of soul cleansing.

    • Being part of and close to nature helps you find your place in the world, Amber. I can see that now. Never let go of your dreams x

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